White House Insists Trump's Hands Are "Well Above Average"

Following this week’s huge controversy over inauguration crowd sizes, a new media storm has erupted over hand sizes, with fresh claims that President Trump’s hands are even smaller than was first reported.

The revelations put the presidential hand dimensions at a paltry three and a half inches in length – that’s more than an inch less than was first reported during Trump’s election campaign. The scandal has been sparked by the re-release of a photo showing the President wearing a particularly pained expression, plus a very small right hand.

At today’s press briefing, White House spokesman Sean Spicer laid into reporters.
“This photo is clearly inaccurate, and possibly photoshopped” he blasted. “It’s fake reality, not real reality. Plus, the angle is totally disingenuous and misleading, making the President’s hand look far smaller than it actually is.”

When quizzed over whether the size issue was connected to the First Lady’s decision to leave The White House and live in New York, Spicer said the rumours were “bogus fantasy and untrue lies.” Melania, he added, was “perfectly happy with the size of the President’s hands.”

Mr Spicer went on to say that door handles in The Oval Office were in fact having to be changed in order to fit the President’s vast grip.

Asked about whether the nuclear button might have to be adapted and enlarged for ease of access to the enormous presidential forefinger, Spicer refused to comment, saying it was “classified information.”

He did though, reveal that Trump had to have “specially tailored trouser pockets to accommodate the massive volume of his man-hands.”

Undeterred, reporters suggested that President Trump put the matter to rest by releasing a plaster-cast mould of his hands. “That’s never going to happen,” Spicer countered. “The public doesn’t want to see the President’s hands. This is a media obsession and the American public has no interest in how big or indeed, how small the President’s hands are.”

Pressed to give a personal view on exactly how big the President’s hands were, Spicer said they were “well above average, easily big enough to cast a considerable shadow over The White House lawn, but not quite big enough to act as a missile defence shield.”

Later, advisor Kellyanne Conway rallied to the President’s side, citing “alternative measurements” which also showed his thumbs to be particularly large – so big, she said, that they are “entirely to blame for the many spelling mistakes and typos on Trump’s Twitter account.”

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